desert wind
i’m staying in a yurt for the next 3 weeks. coco went into retreat again. this time for a yamantika retreat. yamantika is a form of righteous aggression toward your mental afflictions and obstacles. think jimi hendrix, rather than enya. she is doing this largely for my benefit. i will be getting tantric initiation after she gets out, and hopefully, at the end of the summer, i will receive another blessing to be doing the practice that she and all her classmates have been doing for the past year and a half. tantra is the highest level of buddhist teachings. there are two kinds, open, and secret. tantra is secret. tantra is the fast path. if you believe there is such a thing as an an enlightened being, and that you can become one in this lifetime, then tantra is how you would do it. this is not the only way. all enlightened beings, i think, have been through a process of understanding how the mind works at a very deep level. we just happen to call this one interpretation of how to get this realization, tantra. it is secret because if not understood correctly, you could end up in some very scary places.
this is all in preparation for a long retreat. this summer, i hope to get all the basics of the information i need to complete this retreat in a nice way. how long of a retreat you ask? try this on: 3 years, 3 months and 3 days. our hope is to go in some time in 2010. totally fucking intense huh? i know. i am still constantly trying to wrap my head around it. a lot still has to happen. many chips must fall into place.
why do something like this? imagine just for a second how effective your life could be if you spent that much time trying to become a being who could serve the most people in the most effective way. imagine spending that much time not worrying about rent, work, newspapers, television, movies, american idol, ipods, cell phones, social calendars, political agendas, fashion, music, theater. all that time would be spent trying to see how your mind works. how we create thoughts and how these thoughts create everything in our world. imagine this: you are on your death bed thinking back on all the things you’ve done in your life and how you have treated people and how you looked at things. would you have any regret? are there things you wish you had done, things you wish you had said? imagine doing that now while you are alive and still relatively young and healthy. now go and live the rest of your life, having had that end of life introspection in the middle of your life. how much of what you do throughout your day really helps people? how much of your efforts won’t really matter that much at the end of you life. i believe there are people that exist on this planet where every moment is spent in total compassion and love. i would like to be one of those guys.
i’m still working it all out. i have been contemplating this journey for years now, but it seems that the process is starting in earnest now. 1st step: build a retreat cabin…
i don’t know how to make a watch but i can tell you what time it is.
call me white trash. i don’t mean to be offensive when i say this. some of my best friends are white. i also have generated much trash in my lifetime. it’s just that the term conjures up certain images. these certain images happen to be the trailer i’m living in right now. the first thursday of every month here in bowie (say boo-ee, like the bowie knife), is food bank day. i got a white plastic shopping bag tied up and filled with two yellow peppers, a can of corn, tomato sauce pasta and some diet pepsi’s. the nice people there let me grab a 12 pack of real pepsi’s. not that it makes much difference because i’m a coke guy. but hey, us trash can’t be choosers. i’m running short on funds, but money comes and goes. i’m hoping i’ve been kind enough in my past to merit some money coming, because it sure is going. i bought an electric water heater and installed it myself. yes i’m a real handy he-man thank you very much. the previous owner had an old water heater stacked up on top of an old tire rim and held in place with wire coat hangers and pipe. he would scavenge scrap wood and build a fire under it and that is how he heated the joint. the joint by the way is from 1959. it is illegal to live in so don’t tell anyone. it smells mildewy and moldy. they say that a karmic result of sexual misconduct is smelling bad smells, like piss and shit. i guess my practice is improving, because i finally got rid of the shit smell with the use of a lot of duct tape and detective work. the mold smell will take some more subtle self analysis and perseverance.
school is going to start on the 23rd of this month. before then, i’ll be doing a 10 day retreat on lam rim. lam rim is translated as steps on the path. one way to divide the teachings in the lineage i’m studying (the mahayana prasangika tibetan buddhist track) is into open teachings (sutra), and secret teachings (tantra). lam rim (the steps on the path) is a summary of the open teachings. if you can master lam rim, you can reach enlightenment. it might take you a while but you can do it. by a while i mean 3 countless eons. if you really want to become enlightened because you can’t bare to see other people suffering, you jump onto the tantra track. anyhoo. lam rim is the retreat i’m doing in a couple of days. please think helpful things to aid me. oh, and coco too. she gets out of her 5 week retreat on the 17th. that is the same day i get out. please wish her well and think beautiful thoughts and dedicate them to her accomplishing what she needs to. she is doing a tantric retreat. i am not on the tantra track… yet.
beat back the monster
we are in samsara. they say that even the pleasures we experience are simply a diminishment of suffering.
i feel like i’m suffering right now. suffering of boredom. no shows to work on, no people to impress. no one to woo. there is however, no shortage of homework, but my brain doesn’t see that as an option right now.
when you limit the things you run to in order to beat back, or distract the monster of suffering, you feel the monster right there. like the weather. where to hide? it seems so easy to step out and share your distraction with others at any time of day, but what of the need to do some good? where can i feed that need? anywhere i guess. right here. the three moralities from top to bottom are: 3) doing actions that serve to bring you to a place where you can serve the most people. 2) doing actions that serve to bring yourself to a place of no more suffering. 1) doing actions that do no harm to anyone. that last one probably includes myself. just one drink i think, and perhaps this state of mind will change. does that damage me? does it further the belief that outside things can change my state of mind? is my happiness coming from that drink, that kiss, that picture, that joint?
i’m going to play my sitar now.
on the range
i moved to the city in 1999. since then, i have accumulated quite a bit of stuff. over the last few months i’ve been selling, giving, and throwing it all away, and there is still lots of it all around me.
we have to be out of here on the 31st. that is new years eve. and then where to after that? back here to take some classes on mind training and how buddhists say the world works.
pretty much any buddhist class you take is going to be about karma and emptiness. and if it’s not that, it’s about how to help other people better, and the only reason to do that is because of karma and emptiness.
what do i mean emptiness? if i had to put it in a short definition i would say that it is the fact that all things are devoid of a self nature, meaning all things derive meaning and definition interdependently from the things around it, including, and perhaps most importantly, the consciousness labeling it. some might say that this is a very poor definition, and there are many nuances and different levels of understanding of emptiness.
maybe i’ll tell you all about it when i have perceived emptiness directly. for now, i’m quite the novice, so please draw no conclusions about buddhism based on my simple opinions.
anyhoo, i’m getting rid of a lot of shit, and i’m setting of for new adventures in the desert. wish us luck, we are trying to buy some land out there.
i’m gonna be a homesteader…
nostalgia, it ain’t what it used to be…
there are two kinds of people in the world:
people who think there are two kinds of people in the world,
and people who don’t.
cut your losses
o.k., i am a sucker. i took the truck to my mechanic, and he said it was junk. he said, that car should not have left the lot and that it was unsafe to be on the road. he said, if it’s all gold on the outside, it doesn’t mean it’s not lead on the inside.
the truck looked and drove great, but once it was up on the lift, it was obviously rotted from the ground up. rust was eating away at it. too bad. it still drove great, but it will be driving great and falling apart.
i took it back, and surprisingly, they took it back, less 500 bucks for paperwork. a little steep if you ask me. if you ask someone else, they might say, i should have looked for these problems before i bought the damn thing.
live ya learn.
anybody got a truck for me?
oh, my mechanic also said that he would sell me my old jeep back. wadya think a that one?
2000 bucks, and the oil leak fixed and a brand new radiator.
check engine
o.k. now what’s up with you?
here is what’s up with me. after a short stint in california for about a year, give or take, i moved back to new york. i came here with a job working for disney on broadway. that was about two years ago. the show closed, and now i’m on unemployment. that freedom allowed me to go to diamond mountain for a full term. they have three terms a year, each lasting about 5 weeks. i guess you could call them trimesters.
i’m also moving out of our rented brownstone in brooklyn. why? well the whole building has just been sold. we have until the end of december to vacate. this all builds up to the big opportunity to move to the arizonian desert and cultivate a solid meditation practice.
i just bought a truck. we hope to buy a piece of property in bowie, az. i will need a truck. i have a truck. i feel like a real man. this real man was driving his brand new used truck home from jersey today and the check engine light lit up.
i am a sucker.
to the mechanic tomorrow.